Sunday, September 10, 2006

Down the drain

 

I reach in, turning the shower faucet on, hotter and hotter. The pain in my chest is deep and exquisite. I had sneezed earlier and a new, unknown pain shot through my chest like a nasty surprise.

I get into the shower, and the overheated water hits my skin. A muffled yell escapes my mouth. Then it turns to a groan, and exits my mouth again and again.

The pain in my chest is making this sound leave my mouth involuntarily. Lauralea checks on me, but its ok. It's better now, not so sharp.

I lean against the shower wall, letting the water hit me hard, steady. Willing it to wash away the pain of my body, the pain of the day.

In my mind I revisit the pain of the day, of the week. Images flash before my eyes of the ones I know and love who have lost their way. A groan leaves my mouth. Another image shoots through and the groan deepens. The physical pain has mixed with the heart pain and somehow becomes one.

Night time is the worst for this sort of thing, it always is. I am tired and I don't always want the images to go away, I want their stories to change. I remind God again of them, and me. And the pain eases, or maybe I am somehow sustained to walk through the images easier.

I want life to be better, and I guess by better I mean with less pain. I know that isn't possible, at least for this life. Pain is a part of being alive, it's a part of being a human. Even if you have faith, you are still human, and pain is a part of the human quest. Any Christians tell you otherwise, they're lying to you through their teeth. Pain is as much a part of being human, as is having skin.

The difference with those who have faith, is that God has promised to go with us, through the pain. Tonight the pain is real, and I'm not sure I want to know what it would be like if He didn't go with me through it.

Suddenly I realize the water is rushing down my face, and the groaning has stopped. Pain is pain, it will come and hopefully, it will go.

As for tonight, it just hurts.

8 comments:

  1. Sleep well my friend. I hope the new day brings more comfort and less pain.

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  2. I know what you mean, Randall. Today I was feeling that too. It's quite unnerving.

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  3. Your love for people encourages me so much, Randall. What greater love is there of a shepherd for his sheep, to feel the sheep's pain and lonliness and to cry out on their behalf and to offer your hand to them in their despair .

    Praying for God's spirit to overshadow you in these days. We love you.

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  4. Thank you for your honesty. May God comfort and strengthen you and may you feel then curl of his hand on your back.

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  5. Take care of yourself mate.

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  6. When you started I thought maybe you were telling a story about having a heart attack, and I thought, Why on earth are you writing? Get thee to a hospital!

    But you weren't, and I'm glad you're still alive.

    Even if life sucks sometimes.

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  7. I think I understand some of that pain, although certainly not all of it. I know that when the pain comes, so does temptation. Stay the course. Stand in the gap for you people. I will pray for you. I am reminded of Paul in Philippians 3:18 and onwards.
    "For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ." (NIV) You can read the rest. I can see you understand those tears. May you find God in place unlooked for and find hidden blessings today.

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