I think that the work of last week has caught up to me, at least emotionally it seems.
I went to the hospital like I do each Tuesday morning to visit a couple of older friends from church. They are aging suddenly it seems. And they both show it in their own ways.
Usually visiting the hospital can cheer me a bit. It´s such a small thing to do, but it´s always well received. So I always leave encouraged, my day a little brighter.
Today it wasn´t much brighter.
Somewhere between visiting one of them, and journeying up to the next floor to visit the other, I realized that I will need to say good bye to them. Maybe soon. Maybe sooner than I think.
That thought was just a heavy weight to me this morning.
I mean, they are ready to go, but now they are making preparations for the trip.
I guess my problem is that long goodbyes are hard for me. They hurt lots. I learned early on to make goodbyes short and sweet. And I tend to live into that thinking, as a bit of protection from hurt I suppose.
But lately God is doing something in me that has to do with love, again. I keep my heart pretty protected you know. Dangerously so sometimes.
But I need to love again. To be vulnerable to pain and loss and hurt. And that´s hard for me, these days.
I prefer to keep it hard and protected and safe from wounds. I don´t like walking around with open wounds, so I shut down, I don´t love. Safer.
And yeah, I know this lesson. I´ve learned it many times before. But I need to learn it again. A thousand times a day, I need to learn it.
This is hard for me. To love people who will go away. To love people who will call me names. To love people who will reject me. To love people who consider me a hired hand.
And I know, this is a sign of personal weakness, an indication of spiritual immaturity. But it is what I´m working through these days.
God has other plans for my heart, and future and He loves me madly. So the question is not lost on me, if I can´t love people who are in front of me, how can I love him, who is unseeable?
Indeed, how can I love if I cannot allow love to be lavished on me?
That thought is so frightening I nearly wet myself.
Good post.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't sure if I was allowed/supposed to laugh at that last line! (I admit I chuckled, but will do nothing more until further notice.)
ReplyDeleteLaugh away baby.
Yeah, I've been there. I keep thinking of phone calls I should make to those I do love... those who are hurting or nearing a big trip of their own too. I think of these long goodbyes that seem so close but haven't arrived yet. All in God's time I suppose.
ReplyDelete(I laughed at the last line also)
Sometimes I remember the pain of loss. There is none other like it. It cuts deeply and there is no way to heal other than through time. I've been thinking lately that I have not experienced that kind of pain in a long while but I know it will come again to me........in the living of life.
ReplyDelete